The Good

This year is bad. Just pure awful. Like the smell of burnt popcorn, the weight of a dirty diaper in your hand, the sound of nails on a chalkboard, and the taste of orange juice when you were expecting milk. It's all of those things and more. More as in plus the death of a loved one combined with strokes, hospitalisation, a lingering cold, daily stress and job pressure, terminal illness, separation, divorce, mental health issues, abandonment, the sudden passing of a beloved pet, a favourite shop closing, great social unrest and injustice, political climate so horrific as to make one wanna barf, anger, inaction, brutal senseless murder, lynching, dictators, Republicans, and the usual: homelessness, famine, war, extreme poverty, greed, and hatred. Oh, and a global pandemic so bad that loved ones are left to die alone because only the sick are admitted to hospitals. The world right now is so full of rage and misery that it feels like an avalanche, leaving us crushed and without breath. That said, I want to try to find at least ten truly good things that happened for me so far this year.

• Reunited with my cousin Emily and her children in her lovely new home. This woman had a patch of years that were really bad and we all worried about her. She has come through, stronger than ever, and is raising her two fabulous children with a sense of calm that I have never seen before. It's hard to see who is the lucky one, Emily for having two such wonderful children, or Ana and Adam for being blessed with Emily for their mother.

• Discovering Toni Morrison in the documentary The Pieces I Am.

• Kathleen Hanna sang to me from her home's shower.

• Amber Brown sold me the last of her stash of felt cd cases.

• Wayne and Chrissy dating after secretly being in love with one another for close to a decade.

• David coming over and fixing my bathroom sink that's been broken for the past four and a half years as well as my closet's shelf that fell down three years ago.

• Getting a free trial to HBO so I can binge on wonderful documentaries.

• Discovering some really great 80s television like Spenser for Hire, In the Heat of the Night, Murder She Wrote, and of course, Voyagers!

• Falling in love with Brian Blessed via his marvelous memoir Absolute Pandemonium.

• As horrible as work has been these past four months, I try (not always successfully) to be thankful that I have a job that allows me to work from home full time, continue to pay my mortgage and credit cards and live my life.

Kidney Cutie

The kidney slippies I sent Maureen from I Heart Guts were a big hit! I love their shop and recommend it to everyone that tells me about a loved ones upcoming surgery or illness. It's the best way to make a crappy situation bring on a smile.

(photo kidnapped from iheartguts)

The Discoverers

I'm a fan of pretty much the entire Dunne family. Well, the ones I know, at least. Starting with Dominique, then Griffin, followed by Dominick Dunne, then through him, Lenny and Alex, and finally Joan Didion and John Gregory Dunne. (But I'm only just now getting into John's work.) I saw an interview somewhere online with Griffin about an Indy flick he made a few years back called The Discoverers. It was available for freesies on Amazon Prime so woohoo! It's really good and what a fab cast - Stuart Margolin, who I only recognised because of his voice, Madeleine Martin (Becca from Californication), Cara Buono (Mrs. Wheeler from Stranger Things), Becky Ann Baker & Ann Dowd (two great character actors whose faces are instantly recognisable), and David Rasche, who is incapable of turning in a bad performance. He is always wonderful. Anywho, The Discoverers is the quintessential Indy film with it's groovy cast, quirky, awkward moments, real life conversation, and bizarro-world situations. Just a great, great movie, full stop. Griffin had me in tears when he kept dropping the f-bomb with his kids, trying to sound hip. I hit the back button a half dozen times and it never stopped being unbelievably funny.

(photo kidnapped from cinema)

Sunny Day Outing

The other day Jackson and I braved the Summer heat and hoped in Roark, air conditioning on high, the perfect mix pumping through the speakers, and off we were to Baldwin's Book Barn! I picked up some Goosebumps books and more Dominick Dunne as well as Joan Didion's Blue Nights. Jackson, the world's most boring eight year old, picked a book about Gettysburg, one on flowers (that he found in a teeny tiny safe), and then one by a retired Navy Seal. (Insert eye rolling emoji here.) But we had fun and lovely Fred was there to ring us up with a smile hidden behind his mask. It was the first time Jax and I got to go out together all year.

(I couldn't believe he remembered the stairs from our last trip and we recreated the photo.)

The Giant's Garden Course

Receiving Bella's letter reminded me of when we went to The Giant's Garden in Merrion Square in Dublin back in the Spring of 2017. I'm pretty sure I told her to walk this little course, knowing I'd record her. I love the end where she's smiling so big as she races toward the camera.

Mail from Bella!

I sent one of the pages from the Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls colouring book. Bella did a stunning job and gifted it back to me! The bonus Disney castle postie was a great throwback to the days when she and I used to write letters back and forth.

Indulge in...

...a weekend nap. I was working overtime and could just feel myself running out of steam. I finished up the first two hours, logged out, went to my old La-Z-Boy recliner from my grandparents, put in season one disc four of Hart to Hart, put the fan on, grabbed my eye mask and drifted off to dreamland for just one wee hour. It was pure bliss.

The Driveway 2005

Here is a classic photo from Nana Irma. We were all at Uncle Roy and Aunt Vicky's for probably Memorial Day or Fourth of July and clearly Nana was tickled by all the vehicles lined up in the driveway. I love what she wrote on the back of the picture, which is why I kept it: Talk about poverty!

Soulmate

Absolutely love this Lizzo track from the first moment I heard it.

True story
No glory, let's go

Yeah, the old me used to love a Gemini
Like a threesome, fuckin' with him every night
A lotta two-faced people show me both sides
So I figured out I gotta be my own type

They used to say to get a man you had to know how to look
They used to say to keep a man you had to know how to cook
But I'm solo in Soho, sippin' Soju in Malibu
It's a me, myself kinda attitude

'Cause I'm my own soulmate (Yeah, yeah)
I know how to love me (Love me)
I know that I'm always gonna hold me down
Yeah, I'm my own soulmate (Yeah, yeah)
No, I'm never lonely (Lonely)
I know I'm a queen but I don't need no crown
Look up in the mirror like damn she the one

One, one, one, one, one, one (The one)
Like damn she the one
One, one, one (The one)
That bitch in the mirror like yeah, I'm in love
Love, love, love, love, love, love (In love)
Like yeah, I'm in love
Love, love, love (In love)
Look up in the mirror like damn she the one

And she never tell me to exercise
We always get extra fries
And you know the sex is fire
And I gotta testify
I get flowers every Sunday
I'mma marry me one day

True love ain't something you can buy yourself
True love finally happens when you by yourself
So if you by yourself, then go and buy yourself
Another round from the bottle on the higher shelf

'Cause I'm my own soulmate (Yeah, yeah)
I know how to love me (Love me)
I know that I'm always gonna hold me down
(Always gonna hold me down)
Yeah, I'm my own soulmate (Yeah, yeah)
No, I'm never lonely (Lonely)
(No I'm never lonely, no)
I know I'm a queen but I don't need no crown
Look up in the mirror like damn she the one

One, one, one, one, one, one (The one)
Like damn she the one (She the one, she the one)
One, one, one (The one) (She the one, she the one, she the one)
That bitch in the mirror like yeah, I'm in love
(I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love)
Love, love, love, love, love, love (In love)
(I'm in love, I'm in love)
Like yeah, I'm in love
(I'm in love, yeah I'm in love)
Love, love, love (In love)
Look up in the mirror like damn she the one

I'm the one (Oh)
I'm the one (You're the one)
I'm the one, the one
Look up in the mirror like damn she the one
One, one, one, one, one, one
Like damn she the one
One, one, one, one
That bitch in the mirror like yeah, I'm in love
Love, love, love, love, love, love (In love)
Like yeah, I'm in love
In love
Look up in the mirror

'Cause I'm my own soulmate (Yeah, yeah)
I know how to love me (Love me)
I know that I'm always gonna hold me down
(Look up in the mirror like damn she the one)
Yeah, I'm my own soulmate (Yeah, yeah)
No, I'm never lonely (Lonely)
I know I'm a queen but I don't need no crown
Look up in the mirror like damn she the one

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: Melissa Jefferson / Sean Douglas / Warren Felder

HBO Documentary Bonanza!

I signed up for a free 7 day trial of HBO and boy, oh boy, am I taking advantage! In one week I have watched:

Natalie Wood: What Remains Behind - The entire reason I signed up for this free trial was to see this. It was great to see RJ and Mart and hear stories about Natalie but I really wished to hear more about her life and not so much about her death. But I understand Natasha wanting to get it on record how she and her family feel about their mother's death, but I'd have loved more stories and anecdotes about Natalie.
Remembering the Artist: Robert De Niro, Sr. - I'm not a big fan of Robert De Niro's acting, but I am a big fan of the man himself. Whenever fellow actors speak of him you can't help but feel like he's one of the smartest, kindest men alive. I absolutely adored him for making a film to keep his father's legacy alive. I'd heard about this film a while back and was so glad I finally got to see it.
Larry Kramer: In Love and Anger - I've admired Larry Kramer since I first discovered him, most likely watching a documentary on AIDS or reading about the beginning of the plague. It's so sad that he is no longer here but this documentary is a reminder to all those who come after his death just who Larry was and for them to learn about his fight and pick up where he left off.
Going Clear - About Scientology from former members. Kinda interesting. Definitely not a faith (or whatever) I'm all that interested in, to be honest.
When I Knew - Just a short little doc about when random individuals knew they were gay. Not great but not bad.
Paul Robeson - Tribute to an Artist - Narrated by Sidney Poitier! Featured a bit too much of Robeson's singing, but I loved the interview segment where he spoke about starring as Othello. I love that story. I bet he was incredible in that role.
Diana, Out Mother: Her Life & Legacy - Another documentary I'd heard about back when it came out. It was nice to see Meghan's wedding gown up close and to see Princes William and Harry. I'm not hugely into the royal family but it was worth watching.
Bright Lights - I saw this when it first came out and took advantage of it being on HBO.
Billie Jean King: Portrait of a Pioneer - I just love this woman.
About Face: The Supermodels, Then and Now 
David Bowie: The Last Five Years 
Do You Believe in Miracles? - I had seen the Kurt Russell film about the 1980 Olympic US Hockey team taking home the gold and seeing a documentary about the real thing was just as exhilarating. I get all teary-eyed every time you see Craig ask where his father is in the crowd. Oh it's so good.
Everything is Copy - In October of 2018 I listened to Nora Ephron read two of her memoirs and thought she was just so clever and witty. Seeing this doc reminded me that I need to check out more of her writing.
Becoming Mike Nichols
If You're Not in the Obit...
Gloria: In Her Own Words - Growing up I always had the impression that being a feminist was a bad thing. Reading Gloria Steinem in my college years made me realise that I'm a feminist because I believe that women are equal to men as we are all members of the human race. I feel that more and more people are understanding that feminist does not mean man-hater. A wonderful portrait of a great, great woman.
One Survivor Remembers - This is Gerda Weissmann's story of her survival of the Holocaust. One moment that really stood out for me was when her family was leaving their home her father told her to wear her ski boots. It was June and she couldn't understand why she would wear heavy boots in Summer. Gerda explained that in those days one did not question or argue with their parents. So she wore those boots and later when she was forced to walk in the snow for days and days and days, it was those boots that saved her life. The end, when she is liberated by an American soldier who is also Jewish and who treats her with kindness and humanity was so beautiful. Especially when she said that his allowing her to walk before him, and treating her like a lady, was the beginning of her healing process. Oh, and they wound up together. Loved that.
Saving Face - About a doctor (Dr. Mohammad Jawad) who helps restore women's faces in Pakistan after they have been brutally attacked, often by family members, with acid. I was a complete wreck through the whole show and felt the pressure leave my chest when Pakistan entered into law that a life sentence is the punishment for the attacks. I'm sure if my father were still alive and saw this film he'd have declared, "that's not enough of a punishment!"
50 Children: The Rescue Mission of Mr. and Mrs. Kraus - The true story of a Jewish couple from Philly who went into Nazi occupied Europe to rescue 50 children and bring them to the United States where they would be safe. Two remarkable humans.
We Stand Alone Together: The Men of Easy Company - I, like pretty much everyone else, was blown away by Band of Brothers and fell completely in love with the actual veterans in those brief glances the audience saw. This documentary is a combination of all those clips and then some. Just a spectacular group of guys.
Queen of the World - About Queen Elizabeth.
Nothing Left Unsaid: Gloria Vanderbilt & Anderson Cooper - I read their book The Rainbow Comes and Goes last June and this film is a great companion piece. They seemed to really like one another. Not just love each other because they are mother and son, but really enjoy spending time together.
Mondays in Racine - This was a really uplifting doc about sisters who own a salon in Long Island and help women battling cancer by offering free spa treatments once a month. Just a superb group of ladies.
The Trans List - I really watched this because of Buck Angel, but it was still cool to see some other familiar transfolks and meet some new faces and learn their stories.
Montage of Heck - I wasn't sure about watching this doc on Kurt Cobain, but seeing Krist Novoselic I felt confident that it might be a decent film. (BTW, Krist has never looked better - dreamier than ever.) I loved the home movies of Kurt as a wee lil' man and of course with Frances. Definitely worth watching because it made me break out one of my Mead notebooks and start writing again.

It's Here!!

My package from Amber arrived!! Oodles and oodles of goodies and all for meeeeeeeeeeee!

July 2020 Donations

BUMBLEance - The Saoirse Foundation

The world’s first ambulance service specifically designed and tailored for children.
BUMBLEance is the official Children’s National Ambulance Service of Ireland.  We provide safe and comfortable transportation for Ireland’s youngest patients as they travel between their homes and hospitals, hospices, treatment centres, and respite centres nationwide. At BUMBLEance, we know how stressful it is to transport a sick child, BUMBLEance is with families every step of the way, with the comfort and safety of the children as our number one priority.

The BUMBLEance service is the first of its kind in the world.  It has all the amenities of a regular ambulance but it includes the all-important extras to make a sick child’s journey as safe, comfortable and entertaining as possible.  Our aim is to distract, comfort and entertain Ireland’s youngest and most critically ill patients as they travel to and from hospitals and paediatric treatment centres nationwide.

(photo kidnapped from hospitalfrc)

Campaign Zero

When I read this: We can live in a world where the police don't kill people by limiting police interventions, improving community interactions, and ensuring accountability. I knew I needed to donate to this cause.

Please join me in the Low Budget Philanthropy movement and help out your community and beyond in the simplest way - donating any amount to whatever charity or organisation that you care about!

Christmas Cards in July

This was how I spent my Sunday afternoon. Sitting in front of a fan, listening to A Very She & Him Christmas and doing my best to get creative.

My Silent Film

When I first got my iPod Touch I was all about the fun apps to take movies and photographs and make them fun and old timey. I recently came across this one from April of 2012. I love the sound of the whirring of the phony film reel.

What I Loved About Donna

Unfair. When I think of my cousin, former roommate, and dear, dear friend I think of the word unfair. From my perspective, Donna spent most of her life unhappy. She didn't realise that she was gay until she was forty-two. She spent her entire youth seeking love from the wrong gender, never feeling fulfilled, getting married and having kids right away because that seemed the only viable option. She became a stay at home mom, alienated from the comfort of a workplace with peers, filling the unnameable gap in herself with food. She was married to someone who, again, this is my point of view, did not appreciate her and longed to change her and manipulate her into someone she wasn't. He was not a terrible person but he was not caring, compassionate, warm, or understanding. He was utterly thoughtless. Examples: one year for mother's day he took their two young daughters out to select gifts for their mom. Normal, rational people understand that five and six year olds should be guided in choosing presents. He let them pick a DVD each for Donna. I remember both of them were hugely inappropriate for her and that one of them was Predator. Neither was a silly romantic comedy and neither of them starred Julia Roberts. I stupidly asked "how was your mother's day" only to see how hurt and disappointed her eyes appeared when she told me what she got. My least favourite was when she asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he replied, "for you to lose 90 pounds." I have never forgiven him for saying this and I have very close to despised him ever since.

When Donna was struggling with whether or not she was gay it was one of three times that I saw her cry, outside of a sad movie moment. One was at a funeral. The other was the night she found out that said husband had once again cheated on her; she was just gutted. Donna was far from perfect. She was human and she was flawed but she never deserved to be treated as she so often was by so many. When she asked me if I thought she was gay I told her honestly that I never thought so. She always drooled over Eric from True Blood and McDreamy from Grey's Anatomy. Lesbians don't crush on boys, or so I thought. I remember feeling very angry that she was now so unsure and rattled over not knowing such an important part of her makeup because of all the people that would say, "yeah, I don't wanna be rude, but, like, are you gay?" Yeah. Family members had the gall to ask this of her, as if one, it's any of their business, and two, it's any of their fucking business. They made her question herself by constantly assuming she was gay because of her short hair and tough demeanour. Yes, it lead her to concluding that she was indeed gay, but I don't like how people went about it and I did not like seeing her so upset. I asked Donna who she thought about when she masturbated or daydreamed. When you imagine your own happily-ever-after, if it includes a person they tend to have a gender. I figured this would be a huge indicator. I think she was embarrassed by these questions. I dropped her off one evening after our talk and told her to watch some light porn and focus on how she felt about the men and about the women, to cook up a fantasy and imagine a person, faceless or otherwise. I knew she was really struggling so I set up a meeting with Fr. Michael (not a real priest but close enough, also gay and a wonderful sounding board) at my house. They would sit and talk and I would go shopping and give them time alone. I came home and we stood outside to have a smoke (just me and Michael, Donna was asthmatic) and when I asked her if she had anything to report she was very coy and said "you know." Then I pressed her to say it and she pinched my cheeks with both hands and said "I'M GAY!!" We all giggled and hugged and I felt like it helped. This was October 20, 2012. By September 10, 2013 she was dead.

Donna came out to nearly all of her friends, family, and co-workers with 99% approval rating. Everyone that mattered supported her without question and one of our last times out together (to Bertucci's of course!) she showed me photos of some of the women online that she was chatting with and interested in maybe dating. For forty two years she dated the wrong people, lived in a body that was uncomfortable and at times in pain, she was frustrated and didn't always know why, and often seemed to feel underappreciated and under-loved. Just when she was on her way to meeting a sexy butch gal, to have a fulfilling sex life, love life, and acceptance, to belong to a group of men and women who would understand her and to, I'm sure, become involved in fighting for gay rights, her life abruptly ended. I am still extremely angry about how fucking unfair this is.

Donna was fun, silly, had an adorable giggle, spoke her mind, was loyal and caring. My fondest memories of her were once, when I had purple hair and we were walking around the old neighbourhood. Some old lady was leaning out her front screen door staring at me, hard core. There was no one else in the area with coloured hair and it was not terribly common in the early aughts. I wasn't bothered by it but Donna took it to heart and shouted across the street, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?! YOU AIN'T NEVER SEEN THE COLOUR PURPLE BEFORE? GET BACK IN YOUR FUCKIN' HOUSE!" That woman dashed back inside with the quickness, let me tell you.

Then there was the time I picked Donna up in Center City in probably 1999. We were stopped at the light about to turn on to Spring Garden and head home, the windows down and Garth Brooks' Double Live ready to begin with our favourite favourite track, Callin' Baton Rouge. It starts off with that incredible fiddle work then dives in to the first line, I spent last night in the arms of a girl in Louisiana with the live version having Brooks scream LOUISIANA! and we followed right along, both in sync and both shouting it at the top of our lungs, frightening a woman standing on the corner waiting for a bus. We cracked up laughing.

Another great memory was the Academy Awards March 25, 2001. Donna and I loved Erin Brockovich and Julia Roberts was Donna's favourite actress. Best Actress was the end of the evening and it was just me and Donna downstairs, the three kids sound asleep up in their rooms. When Julia Roberts was announced as the winner we, clasping hands, simultaneously screamed with joy, sleeping children be damned.

I wish Donna was still alive or at least had a bit of happiness before she passed. That she got to dabble in a romance with a woman and especially to meet her granddaughters, Bailey and Avery. She loved loved babies and would have been a huge help to Ashlee. There is so much joy that Donna deserved to experience and she was robbed of it and I find it so, so hard to live with knowing that.

New (to me) Amber Brown CD Cases!!!

Back in the early part of the century I used to shop at Renegade Handmade and then Amber Brown's Etsy site. Her Etsy is no longer active but we became friendly (I was her biggest felt cd case supporter) and we follow one another on Instagram. She posted yesterday about how she kinda misses making the cases and then DM'ed me to say she had a batch of random cases left and would I be interested. WOULD I?!?! Hells freakin' yeah. I hauled ass to PayPal and sent her some cash-ish pronto. Here's what will soon be in my hot little hands:

Maya's Here!

Last month I ordered some goodies from Maya's Cookies and today I ate twelve dollars worth of vegan deliciousness. Maya makes vegan cookies, with a couple gluten free options, and they are scrumptious. They are four bucks a cookie, which is completely insane, but totally worth it when I wanna treat myself to something special. I mean, I've paid twelve dollars for a freakin' Cosmopolitan at a club and eight dollars for a crappy slice of cake in a restaurant, so I am a-okay with dropping some duckets on these babies. Not every week, but special occasions? Hell yeah. Look at these darlings:

June 2020 Books

♥ The Measure of a Man ¹ by Sidney Poitier - I had purchased a copy of this book years ago and absolutely loved it. When I found that the man himself read the audiobook and that it was unabridged, I instantly downloaded it from the app. It was even better the second time around. Mr. Poitier reads as if he's telling you a story over dinner in a corner booth of a dark restaurant late in the evening. And those really are the best audiobooks. The intimacy just sweeps you away. I had forgotten how much I loved his quote: Find positive outlets for anger or it will destroy (you). I really needed to hear that lately when it seems all I fell is anger. Anger over my situation at my job and the state of my health and home, and rage over what is happening in my country and all the people that are doing all they can to make things worse. This year's mantra is definitely Find positive outlets for anger or it will destroy (you).

¹ - audiobook
² - abridged version
* - liked
♥ - loved
Any unmarked titles were, in my opinion, so-so.

If I Had a House....

This would be on display:

(photo kidnapped from customlove4u on Etsy)

Blobfest!!

Well Blobfest weekend is over. It was cool to watch the film but would have been way more fun to see it in the actual theatre. However, there would be so many people and it would stress me out, so the home edition is really ideal for me. There was a lot of silly cheesiness but I think the Blobbies did a great job preempting all the shows and in between bits. I wanted to mark the occasion so I took pix and videos of my computer screen. (I'm so lame and dorky!)

 

Chrissy Turns Forty!

Today Wayne's girlfriend and my sister-in-law Mary's bestie celebrated her fortieth bday and I snapped a photo of the adorable couple.

And here's my silly gift:

Words of Wisdom from Sheriff Gillespie

It's your own private affair whether you like people or ya don't like 'em, but if you insult them or offend them or hurt them it becomes everybody's affair.

(from The Rabbi episode in season seven, written by David O'Connor and Elyse O'Connor)

Diamond Diana

I decided to throw caution to the wind and buy a perfume online that I'd never smelled. Diamond Diana by Diana Ross is gorgeous and lots of thought has gone into presentation. The smell is a bit powdery for my taste but it's pretty. Not sure I'd dash out and buy it again once I run out, but it's nice and light for Summertime.