What I Loved About Donna

Unfair. When I think of my cousin, former roommate, and dear, dear friend I think of the word unfair. From my perspective, Donna spent most of her life unhappy. She didn't realise that she was gay until she was forty-two. She spent her entire youth seeking love from the wrong gender, never feeling fulfilled, getting married and having kids right away because that seemed the only viable option. She became a stay at home mom, alienated from the comfort of a workplace with peers, filling the unnameable gap in herself with food. She was married to someone who, again, this is my point of view, did not appreciate her and longed to change her and manipulate her into someone she wasn't. He was not a terrible person but he was not caring, compassionate, warm, or understanding. He was utterly thoughtless. Examples: one year for mother's day he took their two young daughters out to select gifts for their mom. Normal, rational people understand that five and six year olds should be guided in choosing presents. He let them pick a DVD each for Donna. I remember both of them were hugely inappropriate for her and that one of them was Predator. Neither was a silly romantic comedy and neither of them starred Julia Roberts. I stupidly asked "how was your mother's day" only to see how hurt and disappointed her eyes appeared when she told me what she got. My least favourite was when she asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he replied, "for you to lose 90 pounds." I have never forgiven him for saying this and I have very close to despised him ever since.

When Donna was struggling with whether or not she was gay it was one of three times that I saw her cry, outside of a sad movie moment. One was at a funeral. The other was the night she found out that said husband had once again cheated on her; she was just gutted. Donna was far from perfect. She was human and she was flawed but she never deserved to be treated as she so often was by so many. When she asked me if I thought she was gay I told her honestly that I never thought so. She always drooled over Eric from True Blood and McDreamy from Grey's Anatomy. Lesbians don't crush on boys, or so I thought. I remember feeling very angry that she was now so unsure and rattled over not knowing such an important part of her makeup because of all the people that would say, "yeah, I don't wanna be rude, but, like, are you gay?" Yeah. Family members had the gall to ask this of her, as if one, it's any of their business, and two, it's any of their fucking business. They made her question herself by constantly assuming she was gay because of her short hair and tough demeanour. Yes, it lead her to concluding that she was indeed gay, but I don't like how people went about it and I did not like seeing her so upset. I asked Donna who she thought about when she masturbated or daydreamed. When you imagine your own happily-ever-after, if it includes a person they tend to have a gender. I figured this would be a huge indicator. I think she was embarrassed by these questions. I dropped her off one evening after our talk and told her to watch some light porn and focus on how she felt about the men and about the women, to cook up a fantasy and imagine a person, faceless or otherwise. I knew she was really struggling so I set up a meeting with Fr. Michael (not a real priest but close enough, also gay and a wonderful sounding board) at my house. They would sit and talk and I would go shopping and give them time alone. I came home and we stood outside to have a smoke (just me and Michael, Donna was asthmatic) and when I asked her if she had anything to report she was very coy and said "you know." Then I pressed her to say it and she pinched my cheeks with both hands and said "I'M GAY!!" We all giggled and hugged and I felt like it helped. This was October 20, 2012. By September 10, 2013 she was dead.

Donna came out to nearly all of her friends, family, and co-workers with 99% approval rating. Everyone that mattered supported her without question and one of our last times out together (to Bertucci's of course!) she showed me photos of some of the women online that she was chatting with and interested in maybe dating. For forty two years she dated the wrong people, lived in a body that was uncomfortable and at times in pain, she was frustrated and didn't always know why, and often seemed to feel underappreciated and under-loved. Just when she was on her way to meeting a sexy butch gal, to have a fulfilling sex life, love life, and acceptance, to belong to a group of men and women who would understand her and to, I'm sure, become involved in fighting for gay rights, her life abruptly ended. I am still extremely angry about how fucking unfair this is.

Donna was fun, silly, had an adorable giggle, spoke her mind, was loyal and caring. My fondest memories of her were once, when I had purple hair and we were walking around the old neighbourhood. Some old lady was leaning out her front screen door staring at me, hard core. There was no one else in the area with coloured hair and it was not terribly common in the early aughts. I wasn't bothered by it but Donna took it to heart and shouted across the street, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?! YOU AIN'T NEVER SEEN THE COLOUR PURPLE BEFORE? GET BACK IN YOUR FUCKIN' HOUSE!" That woman dashed back inside with the quickness, let me tell you.

Then there was the time I picked Donna up in Center City in probably 1999. We were stopped at the light about to turn on to Spring Garden and head home, the windows down and Garth Brooks' Double Live ready to begin with our favourite favourite track, Callin' Baton Rouge. It starts off with that incredible fiddle work then dives in to the first line, I spent last night in the arms of a girl in Louisiana with the live version having Brooks scream LOUISIANA! and we followed right along, both in sync and both shouting it at the top of our lungs, frightening a woman standing on the corner waiting for a bus. We cracked up laughing.

Another great memory was the Academy Awards March 25, 2001. Donna and I loved Erin Brockovich and Julia Roberts was Donna's favourite actress. Best Actress was the end of the evening and it was just me and Donna downstairs, the three kids sound asleep up in their rooms. When Julia Roberts was announced as the winner we, clasping hands, simultaneously screamed with joy, sleeping children be damned.

I wish Donna was still alive or at least had a bit of happiness before she passed. That she got to dabble in a romance with a woman and especially to meet her granddaughters, Bailey and Avery. She loved loved babies and would have been a huge help to Ashlee. There is so much joy that Donna deserved to experience and she was robbed of it and I find it so, so hard to live with knowing that.