The Big Apple

That first trip to New York back in 1986 was memorable for many reasons. Of course it was my first train ride and my first time going to the city that everyone, everywhere knows about, but there were three other things that stayed with me. One, as I've stated previously, was the wretched stench of chestnuts. It was December and those god damn carts were on every street corner. Bleck! The second was being able to see the Hans Christian Anderson statue in Central Park. But the third and most vivid memory I have of that adventure was when we were in Grand Central Station waiting to go home. It all began while we were sitting on the wood bench waiting quietly, tired from our long day. It's Grand Central, so clearly there were lots of people milling about, but standing a few feet in front of me was a scrawny black man. I didn't notice that he was scratching his head a bit until a black woman, who in my memory looks like a cross between Mabel King and the woman that stole Penelope Ann Miller's eyeglasses at the bus station in Adventures in Babysitting, comes out of nowhere and starts beating him with her umbrella. Like, not one of those Totes pocket size ones, this gal was sportin' one of those big-ass Mary Poppins umbrellas and she was smackin' the shit out of this guy. We were all shocked and watched with our mouths open as she screamed at him, "Git away from dem chil'ren! You git away from dem chil'ren. He's got lice! This man's got lice! You git - dat's right, git away from dem chil'ren." After she pummeled him into submission and he ran like hell out of there, the woman turned to us and said, "Dat man had lice. He had no business bein' so close to dem chil'ren." My mother's still-stunned response? "Well, thank you very much." (Always so polite.) I immediately went into culture shock and couldn't wait to go back to the suburbs where no one had lice and people were not randomly beaten with an umbrella. Looking back, that lady was a bad-ass protector of suburban white children and I think on her fondly.

(it may not be my favourite city, and it certainly isn't in my top five, but even still, i heart new york.)