My Best Vice

Cigarette smoking is not good for you. There, now that we've gotten that out of the way, I can now tell you how my life has been significantly changed, for the better, by my little addiction.

At sixteen I was even more awkward and unusual than I am now, if you can believe it. Smoking gave me an edge, made me feel tough and that no one would mess with me. In hindsight, I have seen photos of a sixteen year old Star smoking. Suffice it to say, no one, nay, not even Humphrey Bogart, can look tough in pastels. But it made me feel tough and allowed me to walk with a little confidence when I in fact had none. More so than that, cigarette smoking has given me more friends than I ever imagined. Most of the closest people to me have been the smokers in my life.

In college I would have 3 hour long photography classes with a 15 minute break halfway through. While in class I sat in the back and spoke to no one, outside it was totally different. I was one of the smokers and conversation came easily with my favourite accessory. It took me from being very anti-social and insecure, to chatty and relaxed. 

At my first job we had a smoking breakroom and a non smoking breakroom. So when I would go on break, I'd hang out with the smokers. It didn't matter that I was so much younger than most of the other smokers - we'd just pull up a chair and shoot the shit. At every job following that it was the same thing. All the smokers would congregate out back of the shop and bond. The single most important smoking experience was without question when I was working at the Hellmouth. It was there that I became super tight with all the rad smokers - Blaine (occasional smoker), Bishop, Justin, Jenifer, Karen, and Rama. After closing the store, we would all stand outside for hours talking, laughing, and smoking. Even many of the regular customers would step outside the cafe and join me in a quick smoke. Were it not for our love of tobacco, Fr. Michael and I never would have had the opportunity to take our friendship from barista and customer to total BFFs.

Smoke breaks, with family-my father, my uncles, my three brothers, and now with my nieces-and even with the men I've fancied, have brought us closer together in such an odd way. Just being in the same space and sharing the same addiction has brought me so many wonderful friends and memories. I can quit if I'd like, many of my smoking buddies have kicked the habit, but regardless, I am grateful that I have this marvelous vice. And I'm sorry, but smoking is sexy and bad ass. It just is.