What the hell??!?!

The award for grossiest sandwich imaginable, possibly even worse than Gidget's Heartbreak Special goes to.......this bizarre dream I had back in 2020.

Long Live the Oxford Comma

Among those interviewed were Merle Haggard's two ex-wived, Kris Kristofferson and Robert Duvall.

This book is dedicated to my parents, Ayn Rand and God.

Highlights of Peter Ustinov's global tour include encounters with Nelson Mandela, an 800-year-old demigod and a dildo collector.

(I'm a big fan of the Oxford Comma, even though my brother Dave is the polar opposite and hates it with a passion.)

The Onion - Women's Edition Posts

I have loved The Onion for decades and I am so so glad that I took screenshots of my fave posts over the years. They always make me laugh til I cry.

Spiderwebs

October 2015

Uncle Alan's Voicemail About Jax

Uncle Alan is one of thee most hilarious men I've ever known. His turn of a phrase never ceases to crack me up. Not long after Jackson was born he left a voice message on my parents' house line. Like my father, he started off by stating his full name. As if we didn't, A: recognise his voice, and B: know that he is the only Alan we knew. Well, who we knew and who was currently alive. Clearly, to maintain a slim sliver of anonymity, I cut off that bit. But here's a wee clip of the message that we saved for almost a decade.

September Shamrock

A handful of years ago, I stopped for petrol at a town or two over from me. Next to the filling station (Ha! I'm trying to bring that term.), was a Mickey D's and the little announcement sign set me into a slight panic. I instantly became unsure of what month of the year I was in and snapped a photo as proof that I was not seeing things. Once I got home I texted my two gal-pals to share the insanity with them. But mostly to make sure I wasn't actually losing my wee little mind.

September 2019

What I Love About Aunt Berne

• Aunt Berne went to Disney World when it first opened and loved it so much that she decided that she would take each of her niblings to Disney. And she did. Went bankrupt doing so, but she took all fifteen of us and paid for everything. She wisely waited until each were about ten or eleven years old; she rationalised that at that age, one was still young enough to enjoy everything and be mature enough to behave properly, do as they are told, and not whine while waiting in line for the rides. In 1986 it was me, my cousin Jennifer, Godmommy Gina, and Aunt Berne who went to the funnest place for any kid of any age. It was the best time of my entire childhood. (Right up there with swinging on swingsets!!)

• In January 1990 my parents wanted to take us kids to Disney and as a thank you for everything AB did for us, they asked her along. The park had transformed Tomorrowland into Birthdayland (for Mickey's 60th bday back in '88) and Aunt Berne and I wandered around, just the two of us, and stopped at every single cart that sold little birthday cupcakes with edible sugar candles for, I think, a dollar. She bought us one a-piece at every cart. Mama Rose was not available to chastise and say "No more sugar, Lisa" and therefore we pigged out on the best cupcakes ever. Aunt Berne lived to spoil the people she loved and I am lucky enough to be one of them.

• After Aunt Berne's eye surgery (she was the first person any of us knew that had laser eye surgery to be able to see without glasses for the first time since childhood), she came with the fam to Peddler's Village in Pennsylvania. We were walking up the hill to some antique barn place and she must have mentioned how those huge dark glasses she had to wear made everything too dark. I, being a weirdo, did my Al Pacino Scent of a Woman impression and at the top of my lungs shouted "I'M IN THE DAHK HEEH!" She kept cracking up and had to hold on to me for support. She has always been such a hoot to hang out with.

• Back in the 80s and then in the 90s with Xavier, Aunt Berne was our babysitter and we couldn't wait for the weekends when my parents would go out and we'd get to spend time with our favourite person. Creatures of habit, we would always hit Little Caesar's Pizza Pizza plus the bonus of some crazy bread on the side. Result! Then back home to watch a movie together and just hang out. Core memories!

• Waiting at the corner - Growing up, we would often visit my mother's family in the city. They lived in the middle of a block of rowhomes and when we would leave, we'd have to drive around the block and come to a stop sign at the end of their street. Every time without fail, my Aunt Bernadette would walk down and be waiting at the corner stop sign to give my oldest brother and I one last wave goodbye. It was so simple but it remains one of my fondest childhood memories.

• For fifteen or so years, Xavier and I would go with Aunt Berne, and later with Aunt Gina and Alina, to the Windridge Tree Farm to cut down a Christmas tree for Aunt Berne and also sometimes a little one for Aunt Peg. They had the best hot cocoa ever and it became a fun little December tradition. The most memorable year for all of us was the one where the car got stuck in the mud. Me and Xavier plus several of the men from the tree farm lined up across the rear of the car and gave the old girl a shove. I vividly remember seeing the wheel start to dig out and the mud that was flicking on my pants. "Uh oh..." I thought. But I couldn't give up so I pushed like hell and we got the car on solid ground. I knew I was covered waist to toe with mud, as was Xavier, who was behind the other wheel looked like my mirror image. I stood by the driver's side as Berne hopped out to cheer us on our efforts and thank the workmen. Then she saw me and nearly busted a gut laughing. It was hysterical.

• I wanna say it was my 9th birthday that Aunt Berne bought me a pin-up poster of Tom Selleck clad in all denim. It hung on the wall behind my bedroom door for years and years and somewhere, I still have it. Selleck is Berne's ideal man and he was my first celebrity crush. When I was six or maybe just turned seven, Mum, me, and Aunt Berne went to, I believe, the old Eric Theatre in Moorestown to see High Road to China on the big screen. It felt so great to be invited with the "big girls" to see a grown-up movie starring the dreamiest man ever. Aunt Berne influenced my continuing love of handsome dark haired men with fab facial hair. 

• Her skills as a gift wrapper were unmatched and the very definition of exquisite. Unique paper, intricate bows, and at Christmas one year there was a large violin ornament tied in with the bow. It was so gorgeous I didn't want to open it. She is a true artist.

• Her legendary Disney faux pas in '86. She went to snap a pic of me and Jenny in the bathroom in our towels and didn't realise that her reflection in the mirror showed her in just in jeans and a bra! 

• Easily the most generous person I've ever known. Generous of her time, money, and mostly of her emotions. Whenever something good happens, Berne is the one you want to tell because she will be over-the-moon excited and gives the best reactions. Her response to "Aunt Berne, I found a quarter outside my apartment!" will be as energetic as "Aunt Berne, I'm getting married!" She is without question the most joyful person I know.

• I always said that Aunt Berne was like James Garner's character in The Great Escape; she was the scrounger and could find anything. In 1993 she asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I told her I wanted the toy frog in the bathtub scene in Dennis the Menace. No surprise, it turned up among my gifties that December. There's nothing this woman couldn't accomplish, especially if it was for any of us kids.

•  Growing up was tough, especially age nine through high school, and let's face it, even now, and Aunt Berne was that one person who never judged or looked down on or showed frustration at or ever made me feel anything less than wonderful. She was always supportive and loving and fun and embraced my silliness and weirdness. It's a rare thing to have someone love you like that and her unconditional love is something I am so grateful to have and to return to her because she really is the world's greatest auntie/babysitter.

Tell Me, David!

Actually, I would sincerely love to hear all about the ocean of pure vibrant consciousness. Especially from David Lynch!!

I Like to Kick...

(video kidnapped from Molly Shannon's IG account - theofficialsuperstar - on 3 February 2018)

Our Song

14 May 2026

Whiskey River Matchbooks

We Heart Little House

Here's a texting exchange between myself and Xavier after I dropped him at the Dublin Airport and returned back home to SLP.

17 April 2019

My Fave Dutch Sentence

Voyage of the Rock Aliens

One of my favourite accounts on Instagram was JeffreyMixed. It was mega gay and very campy. I had never heard of this Pia Zadora "film" but when I saw Craig Sheffer's gorgeous puss, I kept watching. The comments, like always, did not disappoint.

Roy Keane on The 'gram

Oh my gosh, these two memes for Roy Keane where he's reviewing classic films always makes me chuckle. 

9 November 2020

So many years later and this is still absolutely hysterical. It will never not be funny.