Health

Fortunately, I am not someone who has struggled with weight and good health their whole life. I've always been relatively healthy even though I didn't necessarily eat properly or exercise daily. As a kid I was very active doing fun kid things, like riding my bike around the neighbourhood or swinging on the swing set out back. This kept me very lean and toned and strong.

When I was about nineteen I started to have issues with my weight. At that time I had a therapist who wanted to put me on anti-depressants, even though I adamantly said that I really wanted to work on my depression psychologically, since I felt that my issues are not chemically related. I knew that I needed to change the way my mind thought about the way I looked and not just take a pill that would only make me feel better. I wanted to be better. I later realised that he was getting a kickback from the psychiatrist who prescribed the medication to me, which is why he pushed so hard for me to try Prozac. After Prozac he wanted me to try Effexor. I vividly remember sitting on his sofa and hearing him tell me, "You'll love it. You'll lose ten pounds right away." Immediately I thought, "Oh my god, do I need to lose ten pounds??!" I didn't. I was probably about 125 pounds and at 5'5" that was already a very healthy weight for me. Just by that simple statement, I began to obsess about my weight as I never had before. I always disliked how I looked, but that never had anything to do with how much I weighed. It was about my face. Since then I've gone up and down with my weight from that original 125 to a little more than 200 pounds and then back down then up again.

It wasn't until very recently that I made a conscious and valiant effort to convince myself that I loved to exercise. It's one of the things on my list that I read to myself every night. "I love to exercise, eat healthy food, and read." It's actually starting to work because those days when I'm not waking up and exercising (because you should really only workout 6 days a week so as to give your body a little rest) I find myself feeling a little lost. Like I left something behind. For me, if it isn't fun, I will lose interest and stop completely. I do the Tony Horton P90 (not P90 X - I'm SO not at that level yet) and wii Fit and more recently I've discovered Marisa Tomei's Core and Curves workout. (I mean, who doesn't absolutely adore this woman? She's so adorable and vivacious that the workout feels painless. Almost.) It's only been a couple months since I've gone hardcore with working out, but I definitely feel better knowing that I am on the path to great health and hopefully a more toned physique. Most importantly, I'm looking to feel more comfortable in my own body; okay, and admittedly, to be able to wear those super cool dresses I bought on ModCloth that are just a wee bit too tight at the moment...

Enemy

I finally got a chance to see this film over the weekend. Ashlee warned me Friday night. She said it was stupid and weird and she didn't understand anything, especially the ending. Thing is, I tend to like movies that are weird and confusing. Well, Enemy totally delivered. And the ending? I absolutely loved it. Loved it. It was frightening as all hell and I gasped aloud. Then Scott Walker's voice and The Walker Brothers sang over the ending credits. Pure perfection. Now I just need to get together with Ashlee and pick it apart with her. She desperately wants me to explain it to her and y'all know how I live for waxing on about my thoughts on something...

 (photo kidnapped from collider) 

The Café - Best Job

From December of 2000 til May of 2005 I worked at a little café. The first few months kinda stunk because the original crew were a bunch of young hipsters who listened to dreadful music and had no charisma or sense of decency. Except for Danny. Danny was a sweetheart through and through. Once Peter Parker came on board the café took a turn for the better and slowly but surely, those evil little bastards moved on and Parker and I ruled the café's roost.

Here are some random pics of my favourite co-workers in no particular order.

Me and Peter Parker. Ah, the early years. This photo was taken Easter Sunday in 2001. We were so young! Peter had started working after I had been there a few months and I was the one who served as trainer. That meant that he was trained well and knew what he was doing (unlike some other people we worked with who really didn't put their heart into it). Years later Parker, who was very anxious with new people and new situations, said he liked me immediately because I was wearing a Ferris Bueller t-shirt. He had to quit the café for little while when he needed part time work with benefits, which our café did not offer. As soon as we did, I called him and back he came! Saturday nights working with Parker were the best days of the week.

 

Bishop, Me, Parker, and Ms. Aaliyah - one of my many wonderful customers!

Bishop and Dave Vaughn

Blaine goofing off with me in the back kitchen. No surprise.

Anne! Our resident Brit and a total doll. She started out as a cashier and worked her way over to the café, where we became fast friends - still are!

The extraordinary Bob Minnick. Also known as the Maestro of Magazines. This man is without question the sweetest, nicest man to ever exist.

Fresh faced Jackie Riches. What a wonderful edition to the café. She brightened every single day with her warmth and humour.

Mmmm....Jason Blum...what a handsome and loveable fella. Always reminded me of Metallica bassist Jason Newsted.

Here's our Kat, now married to fellow co-worker, Fink, and mother to the divine Miss Evangeline Marie. But I knew her when she was young and just out of high school. (She is still one of my closest friends!)

Bishop and Rama Bauer on one of Rama's many "last days". That man was forever leaving us to go back to school up in North Jersey, only to return each Christmas and summer. Rama and I also worked together in The Aisles for a bit a few years later.

Fink, Joey, Rusty, and April. Rusty started out in the café then moved on over to the bookstore. But he forever had a place in the café's heart. Fink and Joey were also bookstore peeps, but managed to stop over for snacks and chit chat. Miss April was a book girl who always came over at the end of the night to help sweep the café floor and lend a hand.

Me with another awesome customer who worked at Zany Brainy down the way from the café and became a great friend of mine. We later worked together at The Aisles with Rama. Kristin moved on to greener pastures and is now a kick ass hairstylist in the Big Apple and living one hell of a beautiful life!

Ah, Jenny Foulk. What a truly exceptional woman. For the few years that we were friends, she was my closest confidant and I miss our friendship dearly. I get updates now and then from Bishop and I'm so pleased to hear that she is doing well and now the mother of two little ones!

Justin with Susanah sitting on the wall where us bad kids would smoke. These two became fast friends when Justin served as the trainer. But who couldn't absolutely adore Sue? She was genuine and fun and silly and so sweet she'd give you a toothache. Justin was the quintessential gentleman with extraordinary manners and the looks of a romance novel model. One day Jenny brought in an old high school yearbook and we got a chance to see our Justin before he had those luscious blonde locks. We all preferred his bad ass look to the clean cut version of his youth.

Dave Vaughn...what a gorgeous stack of pancakes he was...hilarious, handsome, generous, and totally looks like a combination of Charley Boorman and Donal Logue. He began in the bookstore (if I remember right) and then jumped to the music department. He was always willing to help us out in the café when we got busy and he eventually saw the light and became the café supervisor. Wherever Dave is, I hope he's super happy and living a beautiful life filled with tuba playing.

I know I posted this pic a while back, but I love it. Skippy was a crazy customer who fit right in with all of us lunatics. (Believe me, the café had its share of lunatics. Both employees and customers.) He loved Hunter Thompson and Camus' The Stranger and went to school in Pittsburgh. Sometimes when things were rough in the café, it was the customers who made it all worth while. We had the best of the best.

Allison!! Every Wednesday morning we used to take our break together and do the People magazine crossword puzzle. Allison had worked in the bookstore for about ten years and like so many other incredible coworkers, she never shied away from helping out when things got hectic in the café.

Danny. He was one of the first people I worked with who really made me feel at home. He was still in high school but he was not pretentious or unkind. Ever. I still have the pink bead bracelet he gave me.

Toward the end of my time at the café I met Wayne Scott, cousin of Jen Foulk who worked both in the bookstore and in the café. His baked ziti was second to none and eventually he started joining us at Bishop and Pax's for Sunday nights. I loved working with him because he was never, ever in a mood other than total joy and happiness.

And here we all are on my last day. That's Dave Gorgone on my right. He was a total slob in the café and had a voice like a freakin' bullhorn, but man, oh man, was he a delight to work with. He loved Tom Waits, so we hit it off right from the get-go. My favourite memory of Dave was when I was sitting off to the side on my break and a mother and her little girl came up to the counter. Most straight, single men are crap with kids. Not Dave. "Hey there, Princess," he said and received a response of, "I'm five and I'm real strong." He chuckled, gave them their drinks and said, "Have a nice evening, ma'am, and I'll see ya later, muscles!" It was so cute and that little girl beamed back at Dave. She was so happy that he didn't think she was a wimpy kid.
Next to me is Peter Parker, then Lisa K. who, like April, would stop at the café during closing time and help me get things cleaned up. She was sort of shy and on the quiet side, but if you could get her to laugh, she had the prettiest smile ever. Then there's Fink and his bride, Kat. Fink is holding my old Spongebob cell phone where Blaine was standing by. Then Rama and April rounded out the last day group. The café served up the most magnificent group of people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing and working along side. Best job ever.

Double Dutch Soul

Billy Paul - Am I Black Enough for You?
Bobby Womack - Across 110th Street
Isaac Hayes - Theme from The Men
Marvin Gaye - Inner City Blues
Bill Withers - Who Is He (And What Is He to You)?
Joe Simon - Drowning in the Sea of Love
Brothers Johnson - Strawberry Letter #23
The Miracles - Do It Baby
The O'Jays - One Night Affair
Teena Marie - It Must Be Magic
Harold Melvin & the Blue Notes - The Love I Lost
Bill Withers - Ain't No Sunshine
The Four Tops - It's the Same Old Song
The Temptations - Papa Was a Rollin' Stone
Undisputed Truth - Smiling Faces Sometimes
The Four Tops - Shake Me, Wake Me
Marvin Gaye - Trouble Man
Archie Bell & the Drells - I Could Dance All Night
Bill Withers - Use Me

I Heart Jeff Bridges

But let’s not leave hungry. Let’s instead leave with a tender lesson on love from Bridges, who has been married to his wife, Susan, for 37 years. He was asked, “To what do you attribute the success of your marriage in an industry notoriously hard on relationships?” You might want to write this down."This industry is tough on relationships. I’ve always thought that my wife should have a credit up alongside mine, because I couldn’t do what I do without her support… The toughest thing about making movies is being apart from your family. One of the things I try my best to do is call my wife every day, to keep up to speed with what’s going on in her life. And tell her what’s going on with mine. Often when you’re apart from your loved one like that for so long, your connection kind of atrophies unless you keep engaged, even if it’s small everyday kind of stuff. But another aspect of keeping a marriage together, I think it’s important to - you’ll think I’m silly - but to love each other, which begs the question: "what is love?" Words that come to mind are openness, understanding, gentleness, kindness, and kind of working on those things, because everyone has a light and a dark side, I think, selfish aspects, and to kind of recognize those in each other and realize that we are going to have our own particular story at any given time, and those stories, they might not be the ultimate truth but they are certainly true for each of us, so to understand that we are each going through our particular version of reality, to respect that, and to nurture being in love, you know? To nurture that."

(from AMA interview kidnapped from yahoo)

From Kay

Kayla has me listed as Sunshine in her phone and it's become her nickname for me. Yesterday, out of nowhere she sent me this adorable little photo via text. She totally brightened my day!

Jared Leto

In my younger years I was all about cutting out articles and photos of my favourite celebs. Now I'm into purging all the crap that takes up space. But some pages I just couldn't toss. Not yet anyway. This one is particularly interesting because, while Mr. Leto looks as beautiful as ever, that shirt? Oh that shirt has got to go.

Public Telephone in DE

Ah, the pay phone...such an old timey thing to see a bank of phones anywhere since we all carry our own personal mini telephone with us in our back pockets.

The Middle of The Night in My House

(photo kidnapped from thedissolve)

I’m your worst nightmare come to life
I’m a girl who you can’t shut up
There’s not a gag big enough can handle this mouth
I’m gonna tell everyone what you did to me
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
I was having this dream
Where there was this doctor
And I was on a conveyer belt
And I was going by really really slow
And I’m nine years old
And it’s really tiring
And I’m really sleepy
Sleepy
Sleepy
Sleepy
Sleepy tired
And I’m laying on the conveyor belt
And I’m going by really slow
And there’s this doctor
And he’s looking down at me
And I’m looking up at him
And he’s looking down at me
And I’m looking up at him
And he’s looking down at me
And he inspects
Every single girl as they go by
And we’re on this island
And so it’s not a part of the rest of the real world
It’s separate from the rest of the real world
And because it’s an island
And I’m nine years old
And the only things I’ve learned are off of TV
I think everybody else
Like all of the girls on the conveyor belt
Are gonna be brown
And I’m the only white one
And I’m going by
And I’m going by
And I’m going by
And he looks down
And he inspects them
He inspects them
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
And then finally he comes to me
And he stops
And he looks down
And I’m looking up at him
And he’s looking down at me
And I’m looking up at him
And he’s looking down at me
And he reaches his hand down
And starts touching me
Is this the dream?
Is this the dream?
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
(Male voice: Nothing was happening)
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
Only I wasn’t dreaming
I wasn’t dreaming
I don’t really think I was dreaming
I really think something happened in that house
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
But see what if I had a fantasy before that that made it happen
Or what if there was a dream
Or something I saw on TV
What if it really didn’t happen
Then I say something
Then everybody gets accused
(Male voice: Nothing was happening)
What about the fact that I like passive sex?
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
(Male voice: Nothing was happening)
Something was happening!
Why is it that I woke up from the first 12 years of my life with no top on?
(Male voice: Nothing was happening)
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
I am your worst nightmare come to life!
And I’m not gonna shut up
I’m gonna tell everyone
(Male voice: Nothing was happening)
I’m gonna tell everyone
(Male voice: Nothing was happening)
I can sing you a pretty song
(Male voice: Nothing was happening)
I can sing you a pretty song
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
It was the middle of the night in my house
Something did happen
Why would a baby dream of rape?
Why would a baby dream of rape?
Why would a baby dream of rape?

-by Kathleen Hanna

I so admire this piece for its bravery. To take a memory of abuse and pull it from the black shoebox under the stairs and let it out. To free yourself from the suffocation of keeping it secret. It's the ultimate in courage, as far as I'm concerned, and I'm so grateful to all those that stand up and let their story be heard.

(lyrics kidnapped from thinkingqueer - also, i love what was said on whenyouworshipthemoon:
What is perfect about this poem, and what I can imagine may be annoying is the repetition. The frantic repetition because that is what goes on in your head. Frantic repetition, and the questioning if you’re remembering it right and then the fear of if you’re wrong, and you tell, they could get in trouble. And then you wonder if you’re just crazy, but what you have to remember is the crazy comes from what they did to you)

Who knew?!

James Garner

Xavier texted me yesterday morning to tell me that James Garner had passed.

(Does anyone actually like The Notebook for any other reason than the moments between Gena and James? Aside from their scenes I pretty much just hit fast-forward.)

Ever since I was in the fifth grade I've had a love affair with old Hollywood. Bogart, Bacall, Cary Grant, Judy Garland, Audrey Hepburn, Fred Astaire, Irene Dunne, Greta Garbo, and so many more. I remember getting a book from the library when I was about twelve that was filled with photographs of Hollywood stars at home with their families. Ernest Borgnine was one, with his fabulous grin, Dean Martin, looking wonderful as always, and then James Garner with his wife and daughters. He looked so sweet and genuine and like the ultimate good guy. Reading his book The Garner Files was a treat and I think he really was the real thing. 

(Here's my all time favourite photo of James Garner taken in Hollywood in 1949. What a dreamboat...)

Unbeknownst to them...

I know it's kinda creepy, but some people just call out to be photographed. Here are some complete strangers that I've captured.

 

 

 

 

 

Eight Seconds of Cuteness

Marina, Mateo, and I all went to Tacconelli's for dinner today and our lil' man finally said my name and endeared me to him all the more. Who knew that was even possible?

Dumbo

Oh my lord, I had forgotten just how much I both love and hate this movie. What I loathe are those nasty, fat-ass, mean-ole bitch elephants who make fun of the lil' guy at the beginning. They just make me so damn angry. If I had my way I'd send them to the slaughterhouse without a shred of remorse. And that scene where Timothy takes Dumbo to visit his mother who is locked up? Oh it's an absolute killer. I was bawling my eyes out. 

But then there's Timothy and the crows!! They were my favourites when I was little and they still are. I loved their fancy outfits, cigars, and groovy hep cat speak. Those fellas were the coolest of the cool. It's such a good movie, even though it put me on a freakin' emotional rollercoaster.

(photos kidnapped from thehauntedcloset - cartoonimages)

Shari Rocks

These cake pops from Shari's Berries (everybody loves berries!) almost makes me wish I knew someone that was sick.

 

Spotted in Mid-rant

On Sunday afternoon Nicole and I drove to the Theatre N in Wilmington, Delaware to see Tom Hardy in Locke. We get there and they have decided, at the last minute, mind you, that they wanted to play Locke at 11am rather than the 1pm showtime they previously posted. I was pissed. Fuming. We leave the Nemours Building and walk down Tatnall Street. As I'm going on and on about how, "we drove through two states to get to this god damn theatre and they fucking changed the times? What in the hell is that? This is utter bullshit," I look down and, wonder of wonders, there's a Toynbee tile that I swear was not there last time! I was still mad as hell, but seeing the tile was a nice little distraction from my rage. Now I gotta wait til August to see Locke. Stupid independent movie theatres...

Trust Fall - Sadistic Style

When Nicole and Ashlee were about six and five respectively, I wanted to let them know that they could trust me. That I would never purposely hurt them. So I took them out to the street and locked them in my trunk. First, I took the blanket and pillow from the back seat and made a comfy little spot in the trunk. Then I scooped up Nicole and laid her on the blanket. I told her it was going to be very dark and I showed her that I had the keys in my hand and that there was also a way for me to get her out from the backseat in case the key didn't work. I would count to ten and then open it and she would know forever that she can trust me. I closed the trunk and counted. As soon as I got to ten, Ashlee said, "Don't let her out." I ignored her, put the key in the lock and the first thing Nicole said was, "I heard you, Ashlee." Then I did the same thing to Ash and true to form, as I went to free her, Nicole said, "Leave her in there." But I didn't. I often wonder if this left an impression on them, somewhere deep in the recesses of their subconscious, and is the reason why after all these years, we are still extremely close. I've asked them and neither of the girls have any recollection of this event.

Gretchen Kemp

"...See there's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me."

(Thank you Chocolove Cherries and Almonds in Dark Chocolate candy bar - I so admire a company that provides its customers with yummy chocolate AND a lovely poem!)

Dear Zachary

 (photo kidnapped from oscilloscope)

I love this film. It's overwhelmingly tragic and truly impossible to watch without weeping uncontrollably. What I so love about this documentary is that amidst the sadness and outrage is the life of Andrew Bagby. I dare you to see the footage of this man and not wish that he could have been one of your closest friends. To wish that you might have been fortunate enough to be a member of his inner circle and intimately know his friends and family, because they all come across as genuinely wonderful people. Kurt Kuenne painted a beautiful portrait of a man and his son, Zachary, a boy with cheeks so chubby and precious one can't help but feel an overpowering urge to reach out to the screen and pinch them. The love and respect that went into the making of this film can be seen and felt in every frame. It is, in my opinion, the finest documentary film ever made.

 

(photo kidnapped from gilmarzinho)

New Cut

Xavier and Z went out for haircuts the other day and both came back looking super dapper. Z's rhino horn cut is too cool for words, just like Z himself!

Best Unexpected Email

You know those moments when you look in the mirror or think more closely on your life and who you are and what you've become and feel like the world would not miss you one bit? That you leave no mark on this mortal coil and life just seems to continue to turn and that you have made no lasting impression? Sometimes I have those moments and with the number forty rapidly approaching; my god, less than two years away, I feel this like a black cloak weighing me down. Then I receive an email like this and it turns those cloudy, ominous, dark days into Paris in the springtime.

Ilsa,

I just want to take a moment to say something.  Lately I've been going through a pretty rough time:  feeling lousy and very depressed, the overnight shift has been really wearing me down and I spend my days off basically never leaving the house.  Because I sleep during the day even on my day off, I never see you or any other of my friends.  I know somethings gotta change but I'm not sure what at the moment.  And then I'll look at your blog.

You always always always look at the positive in everything.  You celebrate a book or some music or a film with such joy and abandon.  I used to do that.  You get out and about with friends and family going to new restaurants and new and interesting places.  You went to Italy ... to the British Isles . . . to Belgium . . . and now it looks like California?  My God, you're the most inspiring person I know.  Every time I see your blog, while I'm sitting around in my morass of apathy, pessimism and depression, I feel like I should be taking you as an example of how to live.  Not to simply exist --  but to really live -- to experience life and all the interesting and exciting things in it.  Each post, I think, pushes me a little closer to raising myself up from the depths and making a change. 

I just wanted you to know that you're an inspiration to me -- a beautiful, legendary, super star!  I just hope that one of these days I'll be able to shake off this blanket of sadness and be more like you.  This is just my clumsy way of letting you know how much I think of you.

Love and mittens,

Rick  

Travel in Style

I'm all about vintage bags and having something unique on my shoulder when I'm touring the world. I saw this on etsy and man, oh, man, I really think I gotta have this!

 

(photo kidnapped from etsy)

I'm doin' my best...

John Ritter

I sent this postcard to Bishop and Pax when I was out in Cali. I think on the back I wrote something mentioning his cheesecake smile and gorgeous chest hair. Bishop's text to me had me in stitches:

Lynden Cline

Several Months Before You Were Born, I Married a Man That Wasn't Your Father 2002

This is one of my favourite pieces at Grounds for Sculpture. Before I ever saw the title I would conjure up all sorts of scenarios as to what occurred in that room and at that table. Was it a poker game that went awry? I could hear the conversations in my mind, "Dude, you slept with my girlfriend!?" or maybe, "Oh my god, my water just broke!" The possibilities are endless. Knowing the title of the sculpture kind of ruined all those daydreams I had of what might have happened. Oh well... 

Tostaky

Just got this Noir Désir album and man, every track is freakin' fantastic. I have a feeling this one will be stuck in Duke's cd player for a while. It's the ideal music to drive around with the windows down.

(photo kidnapped from fanart.tv)